Death, Deconstruction, and Detox

The management is sad to report the death of Jaques Derrida, the only philosopher whose work is so thoroughly dense, difficult, and downright abstruse as to remain virtually incomprehensible. Okay, that's an overstatement, but in four years as a philosophy major and two years of graduate work in critical theory I can honestly say that I never managed to understand his work. Jaques Lacan, sure, but not Derrida. I have friends who understood some of his stuff, and they assure me that it's brilliant, if not totally coherent... kinda like Hunter S. Thompson. Anyway, he is largely renowned as the godfather of deconstruction. The Times obit gives a decent breakdown of his impact across a range of disciplines. Big ups to a guy so smart no one had any idea what the hell he was talking about.

In this post-structuralist discursive spirit, I have started breaking down my life in search of hidden meanings and motivations. I will spare you the deets. Suffice it to say, after a weekend of utter debauchery and narrow escapes, the management has developed some new policies with respect to employee safety and continued profitability:

1. Heavy partying will not be permitted more than two nights in a row. In addition to the health risks involved, mental outlook really starts to deteriorate during that third consecutive hangover. The subsequent dark thoughts, anxiety, and fear of the outdoors is bad for morale.

2. The two-beers-and-a-shot pre-party prep will no longer be practiced. Especially when alone. Although practiced in the name of "saving money on drinks," no money is actually saved. The only thing accomplished with these warm-up drills is getting you half in the bag before everyone else. You spend just as much on drinks, and you're the guy everyone remembers the next day as having been "totally wasted." They were too, but you were drunk before their respective blackouts and will therefore be branded the night's buffoon.

3. Except when bed-ridden, at least one excursion out of doors is required during daylight hours. Even if it's just to pick up more beer. This will ensure that the walls don't start to close in, reducing you to a quivvering basket case.

4. Adequate reading material is required for trips to the Emergency Room. Whether you are the patient or the "buddy," you are going to be there for a long time. Also, coins are important. Those vending machines tend not to take dollars.

5. Life and loved ones will be held more dear. Buses, showers, falling rocks, arteriosclerosis, bullets, overdoses, etc. are all out to maim and/or kill us. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, so get your shit together and act like today is your last. This does not mean you should run out and go skydiving. In fact, trying to get yourself killed is contrary to the spirit of this dictum. It just means don't take stuff for granted or get in stupid fights about dishes or baseball. Don't even fucking talk about baseball. God I hate that sport.

In fact, just use this as your guide in life. Listen carefully and learn some valuable lesons.